Because I'm a sucker (and because I had a 30% off coupon for Kohls burning a hole in my pocket, let's be honest here), I took the kids shopping, when they'd had no.nap.today. It started out bad and could only go downhill from there.
At the shoe store Vivi took great delight in pushing boxes back from the shelves, running away from me every chance she got, dancing around while admiring her reflection in the mirror, and generally just acting like she has no sense. Walking in the parking lot, she didn't want to hold hands, didn't want to stay by me, and almost walked in front of a car. The worst part is that all I could think about was that if she got hit, I'd just tell her "I told you so" and maybe then the next time she'd pay more attention in a parking lot. What is wrong with me? What kind of mother wishes her child to get hit by a car? Seriously.
At Kohl's she wouldn't sit in the cart, grabbed every article of clothing as we went by, repeatedly got out of the cart hiding in the clothes rack, refused to stay by me, and again acted like "that" child. You know, the one that when you're at stores you look at the mother critically wondering why they can't control their child and thanking God that yours behaves so beautifully. Yeah, somehow my child turned from an angel baby to the devil.
I then had to listen to her cry all the way home because I told her she wouldn't be allowed to watch a movie before bed. I figured I needed to do something as a form of punishment, right? Once home, she suddenly was starving and needed to eat. By this point I was just done.done.done. I basically ended up chasing her around to get her to go potty, brush her teeth, go in her room.
I just wanted to be ALONE. Is it wrong to be counting down the days till they're away at college? I can't even remember what it's like to not have to worry about 2 little human beings, to go to the store without yelling and screaming. Even as I'm writing this they're not in bed. They're still walking in my room every few minutes needing this or that, sometimes it's just a hug from me.
Sometimes I hate the mother that I am. I'm not the mom who patiently talks to their kids about things. I'm the mom who screams at them when they're not listening, who loses her patience over silly things. I'm not the mom who enjoys when the kids want to help with the chores. I'm the mom who would rather do it myself because it takes less time. I'm not the mom who can selfishly devote all her time to her kids. I'm the mom who is so exhausted at the end of the night that she puts the kids in front of the tv in their room and sits on the couch reading a book or watching tv. I'm not the mom who is not bothered by a house full of kids. I'm the mom who dreads when there's more than just my two in the house because the noise and mess gives me heart failure.
I'm just not the mom I WANT to be, but I don't know how to become here. No one tells you how hard parenting is.
These two deserve a better mother than me.
