My father

I decided today would not revolve around my facebook post since it wasn't all that exciting anyway.  Instead, I thought I'd fill you in on my father. 

My father's been gone almost 2 years.  He found out in June (on his birthday, how shitty) that he had liver cancer and was gone by October (on my parents 40th wedding anniversary).  He slowly declined throughout the summer and into the fall.  He laid in bed all day by himself most days until my mom got home from work.  It was really hard to see him like that.  If you've ever watched someone with cancer die, you know how it is.  A person who was once so alive just slowly loses their spark. 

On a Thursday my mom called the ambulance because he seemed sicker than usual (if that's possible).  They sent him home Friday to be on hospice, and he was gone early Sunday morning.  I had to work on that Friday for a few hours, and by the time I got to the hospital to bring him home, the lights were out in his eyes.  I walked into the room, and he just looked at me and said how pretty I looked.  I still have the outfit I had on that day.  I might never get rid of it.  But his eyes, oh my.  I still tear up thinking about how dim they were.  He had been given permission to give up.  He knew hospice was it, that it was just a matter of time. 

On Friday we all gathered at my parents house trying to act "normal" with a hospital bed in their living room.  He talked some, but he was slowly losing his will.  I gave him a Coke and a Reeses.  He was the one who gave me my love for peanut butter, so it was somewhat comforting to know that was his last meal.  I can still picture him sitting in his chair at the head of the table mixing peanut butter with syrup and slapping it on some bread as his dessert.

Saturday was more of the same, hanging out at my parent's house.  The grandkids came over (there was only 4 at the time) and ran around, not understanding what was happening.  But, boy, did he ever love those kids.  My son was the first and my Dad's favorite.  He had big plans to take him fishing, but those never came about.

Early Sunday morning while we were asleep, my mom called to tell us it was almost over.  She sat up with him most of the night talking to him.  I'm sure she was reminscing about their years together.  She didn't want any of us to be there.  I think she wanted it to be just the two of them.  By the time I drove there, he was gone.  Gone.  Passed away.  Dead.

This is the email I sent out right after it happened: 

After a long battle, my father passed away this morning on him and my mom's 40th wedding anniversary. He went downhill very fast after they sent him home from the hospital, but I knew he'd hold out so that him and my mother could make it that far. Five years ago when we celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary, we planned to go to vegas to celebrate their 40th. (that was before any of the 4 grandkids were around!) When my dad learned he had cancer, we thought about having a party and inviting his zillion cousins because my dad was always the favorite in the family, and he always talked about having a reunion to catch up with everyone. As he got sicker, we were going to have a chef my mom knows come to the house to make us all a gourmet meal. When he deteriorated even more, my brother was going to cook a special meal, and in the end  as he got even sicker, we just planned on ordering pizza from Fortel's (his favorite) and enjoying the day together. That's how we ended up celebrating the day today, but we had to celebrate it without him there, just one of the many times to come that he won't be with us. My dad was a very special man, worked hard for his family, and will be greatly missed by us all.  The first thing Xander noticed when he walked in their house was that his Pa Pa was missing. One of his friends told me today that the world is losing a great personality, and I think that really sums up my dad. I know he's in heaven now with his band aid from Jesus, feeling so much better, and waiting on the rest of us to meet him there.


thanks again for everyone's kind thoughts and prayers, and I ask that you continue to pray for us to make it through this very difficult time.

 
Forty years ago at the exact time he left this world, he was preparing for his wedding day.  I bet he was filled with nerves, excitement, apprehension.  I don't know much about my parent's wedding day.  I should probably ask my mom about it while I have the chance so I can know more.  I've seen the pictures.  They look so young and happy.  18 and 19, starting their lives together.  3 children, 4 grandchildren and 40 years later, it all came to an end.

I'm one of the few lucky kids who grew up in a home that wasn't broken.  I mean, we weren't exactly the Cleavers, but we had 2 parents who took an interest in our lives.  They fought at times, laughed at times, and were indifferent to each other at times.  But how many people can say they stuck through all the shit that happens in 40 years. 

My dad, God rest his soul, was a good man.  He had his flaws.  He smoked, was a slob, lazy when it came to keeping the house and yard in tip-top shape, but he woke up every night at 9 in the evening (always asking for five more minutes and clean underwear) to go to work.  He worked all night stocking shelves at the supermarket, came home at 6, slept for an hour, got up to drive us to school, went home, slept some more, woke up to pick us up from school, came home, made dinner, hang out for a little while we dinner was cleaned up, and went back to bed till 9 when it started all over again.  When I think back on his shitty schedule, I don't know how he did it.  I couldn't do that, but he soldiered on all those years to keep food on our table and clothes on our back.  And when we had activities in the afternoons after school, it meant less sleep time for him, but he was there for us.

I heart you, Daddy!

How long is this going to last?

So, I've decided that I have things to say and that people are going to want to read it.  I'm not sure that's true, but everyone tells me my facebook statuses should be made into a book so why not start with a blog. 

Let's summarize my life so far.  I just turned 30 this year.  I've been married for almost nine years to my high school sweetheart.  We have 2 young children, are up to our ears in debt we're trying to climb out of, both work full-time, have a house we don't have the inclination or money to fix up/care for, and are also lucky enough to have pretty amazing families. 

So, back to my facebook statuses.  Today's revolved around a trip my sister-in-law and I took to Six Flags with our children (there's five between us).  I think the first thing I said was how flippin' hot it was, but then I updated my status to say that I was waiting with my daughter outside of the scooby doo ride (long story here involving her not getting to ride the Mine Train, throwing a fit, wanting to ride Scooby Doo, changing her mind at the last minute, and making me break through the wheelchair entrance while we happily -- or not -- waited for everyone else).  The thing about that ride is it was where I had my first make-out session with a boy, all the way back in the eighth grade. 

Let's go back there:  The year was 1993.  I was pretty unattractive at this point.  My youth (and my now-a-days if I think about it) were spent with some horrible acne.  But being as I was skinny, I had that going for me.  Plus, I had a pretty good personality (in my not at all conceited opinion.)  Anyway, I lusted after a certain boy since 6th grade.  He too had an award winning personality, always making me laugh, teasing me, flirting with me the way adolescents do.  And FINALLY in 8th grade he decided he wanted to "go out" with me.  ME!  ME!  Little old, hideously ugly ME!  I was beyond excited.

So, anyway, back to my first make-out session.  We skipped school one day in late May to go to Six Flags and of course we went on the whatever-it-was-called-before-it-was-called-Scooby-Doo ride.  If my memory serves me correctly, I think we even planned that that was when we were going to "swap gum" a/k/a make-out.  This would be a first for us as we had only kissed small pecks up to this point.  But we did it, in the dark, in the little tunnel, and then proudly took our gum that we had been exchanging and stuck it to the wall with the rest of the gum.  What a proud moment for me! 

I still am in semi-contact with that boy (Read:  I'm Facebook friends with his ex-wife).  We were best friends through our freshman year and most of high school even after we broke up.  He was also the first person I almost slept with, but that's another story for a different day.  But, anyway, once I met my now husband my sophomore year of high school, it was hard to maintain a best friend relationship with another man.  We drift apart, but I always felt like he was the one who got away.  There's a lot of what-if's surrounding our relationship.  And if I'm being completely honest with you, blog world or the 0 people who are going to read this, I still dream about him sometimes at night....shh.....don't tell my hubs.